christmas on my mind

Apologizing upfront, for this writing is a little all over the place. My mind has been a bit weary, circling and warring with itself- back and forth, so this is an honest account on where I've been on the Christmas front.

When first beginning our holiday traditions, Kaleb and I failed to put much thought into what we hoped for as a family. We simply went with the flow of what everyone else was doing and had done for years before us, mixing in bits and pieces from our childhoods and forming our own traditional christmas.

Santa, reindeer, cookies, lots of presents, extended family. .  you get the idea.

Over the past few years, we were both left feeling defeated.  Something was missing, it had to be about more- there had to be something that fit us. Traditions that combined all those lovely cozy feelings, with more meaning and simplicity.

It's interesting how often we just go with what everybody else is doing- or more, what we grew up doing. Failing to notice that it isn't necessarily what makes us happy anymore. Kaleb and I out at Target two days before Christmas spending lots of money on toys I will ultimately give away in two months time, does not make me happy. There was no joy in it, and even though I grew up believing in Santa Claus (for probably way too long) and we have done the Santa thing for the last few years. Kaleb and I never felt comfortable with it. We agonized over it and this year we just felt it wasn't for us. 

Thankfully Kaleb took the lead, learned everything he could about St. Nick, and shared with the kiddos how the man, the myth, the legend in the jolly red suit got it's beginnings. We were positive there would be tears and questions but we were pleasantly surprised to find they were just excited to learn about St. Nick and his giving spirit. We celebrated St. Nick's day this past Saturday- leaving our shoes out to be filled. The wilds spent hours Friday making small gifts for each other and sweet cards for mommy and daddy. They were so excited to be the givers! I started to see a shift, like maybe we were on to something, something that would ultimately start us on our own path with Christmas.

For me, it seems this time of year can bring up some complicated feelings and shine a light on aches I'd been trying to hide. I have been putting way too much pressure on myself to make these lasting memories, to make everything a big deal, to have the best gifts, and maybe just maybe if I do everything right, somehow this will solve everything. It will ensure that when they are grown up we will still be a family. That it will solidify us as unbreakable and a forever family. It probably doesn't make sense to you, I have a hard time even trying to explain it, but what I have found is it's not these big gestures or plans or presents- it's the small moments. It's us curled up by the fire, folding pages on christmas magazines, pointing out things we love. It's sitting next to their beds talking late into the night. It's holding hands as we feed chickens, it's believing in Kaleb and I as a couple and the kids being comfortable in us and our love. These are the moments that make impressions, that build and bind us.

In that light, were changing it up- I feel like we're trying a hundred different things and it's a little exhausting and far from simple, but I think it's important we find what works- traditions we want to begin for ourselves. We've settled upon one gift a piece, plus stockings of course (Grandparents do it up big and the kiddos love that special time!) and leaving all the rest of our time for activities together, crafts, giving, for intimate moments and special treasures. 

I like that we're seeking, that together we're finding what makes us happy as a family, that we're being a little bit selfish and preserving some parts for just the six of us. I like that I'm finally coming into my own and being brave and bold enough to buck custom and step out in my own way. What about you, any advice, traditions you think might suit us, things to try, new activities? Do you ever battle similar feelings with Christmas?