Friday, February 6, 2015

Fear and Aging

Sometimes, growing up is hard.




I've been thinking a lot lately about the concept that is fear. How it seems to thicken and escalate, taking on a form all it's own, and how that growth seems supremely tied to our capacity to love. My mind has had even more time to ponder as my littlest has come down with a stomach bug, so in-between bouts, I rock back and forth, cradling her tiny form and wondering. Wondering- how  fear starts, where it comes from, why we let it have so much precedence over our lives, and how it seems to ripen and grow with age.

There was a time in my life where I was free. Unhindered by the world around me. A little bit reckless, very naive, with only myself to watch over, and in that haven- the world was my oyster. A home to explore, to live fully, a safe place to roam wild. 




Then something happened, a quick change I wasn't ready for and didn't see coming. It happened in the second, the moment,  I said those two captivating words- "I do." 

In that brief flash there was a near electric shift. It wasn't just me anymore. Someone needed me. We were attached, two parts of a whole. In that moment, I began to understand fear. The fear of losing someone, the fear of losing a portion of yourself. In that space, my mind began to open to a new part of the world, a part that I had yet to observe in my youth- a part riddled with sadness, divorce and sickness. A world that can be scary, unsafe and wholly unpredictable.




With each added child, a little bit more of my heart was split. Given out, affixed to an independent who is running about with the same wild abandon that I once had- and fear began to close in, tightening around my middle like a heavy weight. My mind  locked in a constant battle of how best to protect them, measures to keep them safe in an unsafe environment, constant fighting to keep us together in a world where nothing is promised or permanent.

Each year that passes brings with it the teeniest bit of panic- the clock is running. There is so much for us to do and see, there is only one shot to dream and become, but fear has taken it's hold and those once wildly talked of adventures are now tinged in apprehension and mild foreboding.

So, yeah, growing up is hard. . . but, what I'm slowly, quietly learning is that's what makes it awesome! It's kind of the unpredictable nature of this life that makes it so dreamy. The unknown, the changing, the aging, even the fear of it- make it all so dang beautiful. The sheer fact that we love and love so fully- that we will willingly give out our hearts. We will break it up into tiny pieces and pass it around. That's what this is really all about, isn't it? We are in this place, this big, big, world, to learn love- sticky, wild, shattered, whole love. 

After really thinking about it, praying about it, wallowing in it- I've come to a conclusion. I don't want to place my fears on my wilds simply because they have my heart. It's because they have my heart that I most want to foster their abandon, their energetic pursuit, and their undeniable reckless joy. I want to show them life. A life lived firmly grasping the brevity and the blessing of each day. I want to walk bravely, in the hope that one day, they will too.




Alright, I know, it's deep, it's heady, a bit jumbled and definitely not my average style- but it's where my mind has been. There's a lot of sadness out there, a lot of unforeseen happenstance, but fear won't change it. I want to remember that. Now, I'm off to enjoy our heatwave this weekend, hopefully filled with lots of outdoor play- hikes, dirt biking, possibly a bonfire- barring the fact that nobody else gets this tummy virus, say a prayer for us:) Have a great weekend!







26 comments :

  1. I get lost in your words Chelsea, in a good way. You always make me think. And I love that.


    Now trying to figure out when fear entered my life, and exited! Because, thankfully, I can say that in this very moment in life, I worry so much less about things than I used to. I think it's because I insist on staying focused on the wonderful things and ignore most of the rest!


    TGIF!

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    1. Thank you so much for the oh so sweet compliment- I love to hear how fear has exited in your life, I feel like I'm making strides in the right direction, so this inspires me even more!

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  2. I'm very much in the thick of this. Sometimes I want that feeling of freedom back. But there's something so special about building it up on a new level with another person(s). I love that KC and I got to grow up together and still are. We learn so much, and it's hard but we've got each other for the adventure. I'm trying to keep that in mind, and take it a little easier. Not focus too much on 'what I should be doing' letting those little things get to me. But I am trying to embrace time with him and less focusing on the things I think I need to do, what I'm afraid not to do. Because I don't want to miss those wonderful moments. :) Anyway, this all really doesn't make sense (hah) but I think I am trying to find that freedom again, but with him. Which keeps me from that fear. :) Happy weekend, we're having another heat wave again too. :) XO -Alexandra

    Simply Alexandra: My Favorite Things

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  3. Oh, Chelsea....do you read my mind when I'm asleep? ;) Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful....loved you penultimate paragraph...."It's because they have my heart that I most want to foster their abandon, their energetic pursuit, and their undeniable reckless joy. I want to show them life. A life lived firmly grasping the brevity and the blessing of each day. I want to walk bravely, in the hope that one day, they will too". Perfection. [Although you made me cry again - not so good ;) !!!!]. Love ya, friend xxxx

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  4. I know that feeling too well. It's amazing how all of a sudden one thing happens and you are filled with fear and worry for the things that could be. It's the unpredictable bits that get you and keep you up at night but that's no way to live. You have such a beautiful way of wording things and looking at the world. And I'm super jealous of your heatwave. It's absolutely frigid in ny right now. Have the most lovely weekend!

    prosecco in the park

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  5. How nice post, are some adorable photos

    http://www.memoriesapril.com

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  6. This is a beautifully written piece, and the way you illuminate these inner rumblings (universal, I think, to human kind) makes me sad and makes me smile at the same time. I both dread and treasure that feeling: the sudden realization that you have something special means you also have so very much to lose. Thank you :)

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  7. Oh, I hope the mini munchin gets well soon. About your thoughts on fear, I can understand in my own way. While I'm not married or have kids, I have had my own fears of not obtaining an opportunity to share the love you speak about. I suppose each of us has grabbled with fear and how it will or won't dictate our lives. You've successfully found that this fear won't cripple yours, but rather catapult you into living hardly in the moment. I think that's a teachable attribute that you should also share with your wilds when the time comes.
    Enjoy the 'heat wave'. Its supposed to be nice in Dallas too, so yay sunshine!
    Texas Jak
    www.novermyhead.com

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  8. have a wonderful weekend, beauty. your heart is so tender and I hope you never lose that. I think it's a different thing to be fearful, and to live with all the vulnerability and fragility that comes with opening our whole heart and fully embracing the world- loving it freely and those around us. I don't think of you as someone who is afraid, but as someone who is attentive and willing to be real and to FEEL. That's such a beautiful thing.

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    1. Thank you- my, thank you for those beautiful words!

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  9. Such a great post and so on point! I love reading your thoughts :)

    xo

    Michaela

    http://michaelajeanblog.com

    http://www.etsy.com/shop/MichaelaJeanArt

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  10. goosebumps, chelsea. goosebumps!
    this: "I don't want to place my fears on my wilds simply because they have my heart." is exactly what *finally* occurred to me when two weekends ago at a birthday party (yes, a birthday party!) i was literally "spotting" august on every piece of equipment at the indoor gym. meanwhile, other parents were letting their children of the same age explore freely, trusting them, acknowledging that something could happened that it'd be ok. i realized then that i was only restricting him, holding him back from experiencing, learning! you are a wonderful mama and a wonderful example. xo

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    1. You are far to kind- and I will go on record as saying, that I am always that mama. I am always watching, standing nearby, incapable of carrying on friendly conversation because I'm so wrapped up in the wilds. I'm a work in progress:)

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  11. "It's kind of the unpredictable nature of this life that makes it so dreamy." So true!

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  12. I have been haunted by those very feelings recently and I don't even have kids yet. I hope when I do that I remember this because it's beautiful: "I want to walk bravely, in the hope that one day, they will too."

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    1. It's weird how fear can kind of takeover, maybe we can find some bravery together:)

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  13. i know exactly what you are talking about. if i wallow in it too much the walls begin to close in on me. yes, the panic. because we look at our children who seem to be aging so quickly and then realize that we are, in fact, aging right along with them. each moment further in further away from our own childhoods. it's so scary. but you're right, the ride is awesome. all of the little happy moments. that's what to focus on. xo.

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  14. I hope your little one feels better! Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I recently (well two years ago haha) got married and realized those similar fears. Growing up can be hard. It can be scary. But if we didn't go through challenges and faced problems how would we grow and appreciate the good times? I think our capacity to enjoy life and love grows as we age but also maybe our capacity to fear along with it? As a kid I don't think I was scared of anything. Maybe it's experience that changes us.

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  15. Such beautiful words and just what I needed to hear! Thank you for sharing your heart with us.

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  16. You have such a talent for expressing how you feel in a beautiful way. Hoping your little one feels better soon and that no one else catches it!

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  17. Wow!!! I thanks for the prospective...i didn't really realize how much would change after marriage.

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  18. Great post! I have actually been thinking a lot about fear and how short life is. Lately, there have been so many deaths in my home town and it terrifies me that at any moment my entire world can change.


    Hope your littlest feels better!

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  19. I am constantly thinking about losing my family and all that they mean to me, but I remind myself of that well known phrase, 'no sense, no feeling'. It's natural to care and it's natural to fear losing those we love, but you seem to have found the perfect balance that allows you and your family to enjoy life without fear (and the fear of fear) standing in the way! I should probably take a leaf out of your book haha!

    Gabrielle | A Glass Of Ice 

    x

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  20. This is beautiful. As a momma to three little girls, I can totally relate to the "fear" of it all. To the wanting to keep them safe, but still enjoying the unpredictability that life can bring in all its adventures. Loved this! SO happy to have found your blog and look forwarding to following along and sharing!! xoxo
    ~Liz (www.simplycomplexmom.com)

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  21. Davie- you are so kind! Thank you for commenting- it means the world!

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  22. You are a beautiful writer, a wonderful mother and an amazing person. I always enjoy stopping by your blog. This post reminds me a bit of my most recent one on optimism. I'm getting the sense that quite a few are feeling this uncertainty and fear and overwhelm from the world lately. But like you said, fear won't change the sadness and wrong in the world. It is through our love and all that comes with love that can change the course and lead to beautiful outcomes and happiness. Thank you, as always, for sharing!

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