Fear and Aging

Sometimes, growing up is hard.

I've been thinking a lot lately about the concept that is fear. How it seems to thicken and escalate, taking on a form all it's own, and how that growth seems supremely tied to our capacity to love. My mind has had even more time to ponder as my littlest has come down with a stomach bug, so in-between bouts, I rock back and forth, cradling her tiny form and wondering. Wondering- how  fear starts, where it comes from, why we let it have so much precedence over our lives, and how it seems to ripen and grow with age.

There was a time in my life where I was free. Unhindered by the world around me. A little bit reckless, very naive, with only myself to watch over, and in that haven- the world was my oyster. A home to explore, to live fully, a safe place to roam wild. 

Then something happened, a quick change I wasn't ready for and didn't see coming. It happened in the second, the moment,  I said those two captivating words- "I do." 

In that brief flash there was a near electric shift. It wasn't just me anymore. Someone needed me. We were attached, two parts of a whole. In that moment, I began to understand fear. The fear of losing someone, the fear of losing a portion of yourself. In that space, my mind began to open to a new part of the world, a part that I had yet to observe in my youth- a part riddled with sadness, divorce and sickness. A world that can be scary, unsafe and wholly unpredictable.

With each added child, a little bit more of my heart was split. Given out, affixed to an independent who is running about with the same wild abandon that I once had- and fear began to close in, tightening around my middle like a heavy weight. My mind  locked in a constant battle of how best to protect them, measures to keep them safe in an unsafe environment, constant fighting to keep us together in a world where nothing is promised or permanent.

Each year that passes brings with it the teeniest bit of panic- the clock is running. There is so much for us to do and see, there is only one shot to dream and become, but fear has taken it's hold and those once wildly talked of adventures are now tinged in apprehension and mild foreboding.

So, yeah, growing up is hard. . . but, what I'm slowly, quietly learning is that's what makes it awesome! It's kind of the unpredictable nature of this life that makes it so dreamy. The unknown, the changing, the aging, even the fear of it- make it all so dang beautiful. The sheer fact that we love and love so fully- that we will willingly give out our hearts. We will break it up into tiny pieces and pass it around. That's what this is really all about, isn't it? We are in this place, this big, big, world, to learn love- sticky, wild, shattered, whole love. 

After really thinking about it, praying about it, wallowing in it- I've come to a conclusion. I don't want to place my fears on my wilds simply because they have my heart. It's because they have my heart that I most want to foster their abandon, their energetic pursuit, and their undeniable reckless joy. I want to show them life. A life lived firmly grasping the brevity and the blessing of each day. I want to walk bravely, in the hope that one day, they will too.

Alright, I know, it's deep, it's heady, a bit jumbled and definitely not my average style- but it's where my mind has been. There's a lot of sadness out there, a lot of unforeseen happenstance, but fear won't change it. I want to remember that. Now, I'm off to enjoy our heatwave this weekend, hopefully filled with lots of outdoor play- hikes, dirt biking, possibly a bonfire- barring the fact that nobody else gets this tummy virus, say a prayer for us:) Have a great weekend!