Tuesday, November 18, 2014

journey into motherhood



A mother to four little wilds is not exactly where I saw myself at this juncture of my life. I knew I wanted to be a wife and mother someday, but I assumed I would have been older and wiser when I did take the leap. I was more than a little jaded on the notion of marriage and I certainly had not pictured myself married young with a wee babe on my hip.

In my high school and early college years, I was driven to something, not exactly sure what, but I knew I wanted to go and do, prove myself, be somebody. 

I think God knew my heart better than I did. He knew I was lost and pushing, fighting for something that didn't need to be fought for. . . and then there was Kaleb, and somehow he picked up all my pieces and pulled me together in the most beautiful way possible.  I didn't lose myself when we got together, like I had with previous boyfriends, I found myself. He pushed me to dream and explore, he encouraged me. He made me a better more pronounced version of myself.

So, I laid down my fears, the chip on my shoulder, and any preconceived ideas on what I thought my life would look like, and decided to just explore it day by day with my best friend. It was, to date, the best decision I have ever made. Although, that is not to say it has all been easy peasy and smooth sailing. We were still young and a little lost, but we were lost together. 

Well, you know how the saying goes, first comes loves, then comes marriage, then comes the baby. . . Kaleb and I are not planners, we are not very practical, we are dreamers, optimists the both of us. So with little to no regard for income, stability, and or forethought- there we were, preggers.

Now, you should know I am not and was not one of those gals with strong maternal instincts. I didn't and don't fawn over newborn babes, I never babysat, I wouldn't ask to hold your little bits, and if I'm completely honest- I never had that great of a rapport with kids in general. I had never changed a diaper, I didn't have a list of baby names stashed away somewhere, I had just hoped  that with age and time some of those motherly genes would kick in. But there I was, out of time.

Finally, the day arrived when they placed my perfect baby girl in my arms, and right then and there my whole world shifted. Not over night, but somewhere along the line I starting finding exactly what I had always hoped for. Becoming a mother settled me. It gave me hope, and peace and excitement. It gifted me my very own family, my own perfect place where I belonged and was needed and trusted. I think it surprised more than a few people, myself included, how much I took to it. 

I'm not sure where this all came from, but I've been thinking back to that time a lot lately. Looking back, it's hard for me to even remember myself that way, so afraid and carrying such a big chip on my shoulder- it's so far from where I am and what we do, yet I also love looking back on this journey and seeing how God knew my heart so well.  How he's moved and shaped me and showed me what it was for me to be truly happy. How he placed me in the center of my own great love story, that's filled with adventure and obstacles and uncertainty in the very best way imaginable.

I'm not saying it's always effortless, or that I do it all right or even well, I am saying that it's ok if life looks a lot different than you thought it would. That everything doesn't have to be planned and you don't have to have it all figured out. Let life lead you on your own wild adventure whatever that may be for you.  Lay down a few notions of what you thought your life might look like and be open to happiness, you may just find everything you were looking for.








27 comments :

  1. i could relate to this post so much. i never saw myself that way, either. a mother, i mean. something does shift. it's almost like being reborn into a new identity. an identity called motherhood. it is so wonderful, but also wonderful to look back on the woman you once were. in your case, i am sure you are wonderful as both. xo.

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  2. A beautiful story, thank you for sharing. My story is kinda the opposite, married young, I thought children would be right around the corner after we got married. Fast forward 13 years and we finally had our son. Life threw curve balls our way, things that made us put off having children, and then we got comfortable. It wasn't til my maternal clock started ticking a little louder that we decided to give it a go.

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  3. Such a beautiful story of coming into motherhood!! I don't have these great maternal instincts either. I always wanted kids and we waited much longer than we had hoped for, but God had a plan for us with adoption and infertility treatments. I didn't become the mother I thought I'd be. I had dreams of lots of baking together, game playing, etc. but I've found I'm a control freak in my kitchen and I am not as patient as I'd hope to be. But, God is growing me through it and somehow my kids still think I'm the best mom ever. Just when I thought I knew myself so well, I had kids and learned so many more things that I never knew!!! Kids do that! ;)

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    1. Oh how I understand! It all looks quite differently, but the kiddos are so full of love and grace thankfully!

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  4. This was really beautifully written, Chelsea. I loved reading it! Learning the story of how you got to where you are today- and it's just lovely and incredible that you didn't plan it out the way it happened, and yet here you are. I love that! Reminds me that I don't have to have it all sorted out, and even if I think I do, someone might have other plans for me, anyway. ;)

    -Ashley
    Le Stylo Rouge

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    1. Thank you! It's always a little intimidating to put up these types of post where your so vulnerable, but I did want to share!

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  5. This was so well-written! It's crazy how things can change so quickly from one moment to the next. I think it's really important to have goals and dreams and something to work towards, but it's also incredibly important that we be open to different, maybe spontaneous, journeys and opportunities. Life can take you on some pretty crazy adventures. As long as you pick up some memorable souvenirs along the way, what does it matter where you end up? :)

    High Heels & Happy Feels

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  6. I actually had a small tear when I finished reading this. You are absolutely right about life, happiness can at times be found but sometimes you have to let it come to you and it turns out to be something you didn't think it would be. My new adventure I think will be my best yet, I am so elated and scared but I know it will be totally worth it. You could say it is an adventure I have been wanting but not exactly planning to take it so quickly. Either way, this new adventure for me means everything and I cannot wait!

    xx

    www.chasing-peonies.blogspot.com

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    1. I'm excited for you- I hope it's everything you hoped and yet also so much more!

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  7. This is so sweet and well written. I love your advice to just live life and find happiness with what we are given regardless of if it goes as "planned" or not. I can relate but in a very opposite sort of way. I grew up babysitting and had changed countless diapers by the time I became a mom (although I don't think any of that truly prepares you for all that will change with motherhood). When we got married I pictured that we would have three or four kids by now and loved the idea of a large family. I don't handle things that are out of my control very well, but God has taught me so much and is continuing to teach me to be content with just one baby until he chooses to give us more. Such a good reminder to just be happy!

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    1. I'm sure that's true, there really is No preparing for motherhood. I imagine that would be so hard, to not have it go easily or the way you hoped. I love your attitude though- enjoy that little wild one as you wait for another ink exciting adventure.

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  8. I am stopping by from The Farmer's Wife because you and your blog just sounded wonderful! I am so pleased to have come across this post first because I can relate to it so much. Before I had my son, I did not plan on having kids. I did not really like to baby sit and I did not hold babies. In fact, before my son, I had never held a newborn! John and I were only together three months when I became pregnant, and it was quite the shocker. As soon as he was born though, everything started changing. I am a completely different person and I love who I have become because of both John and my son. Funny how things work out :)

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  10. I don't think I'm ready to have a kid. Half the time I feel like a kid myself lol my husband and I are married but we enjoy doing things like playing video games and going out to places just me and him... bringing a baby into the picture kinda depresses me because it's like, "Wow, I have to stop thinking about what *I* want and focus on this little human being." Which is how it should be, so that's really why I have no plans of getting pregnant any time soon. It sounds kinda harsh and selfish but at least i know that I'm not ready to give someone else all that attention. Right now I just want it to be about me and my husband... so I think it's a good thing I am waiting until later on.

    Jessica
    the.pyreflies.org

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    1. Honestly- I love and admire that you think about it, that's a decision made together and based on what you want and what works for you both. Plus it's so wonderful that you are happy and enjoying this sweet time together!

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  11. I love how open and honest you are with your readers, this was a beautiful reflection :)

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  12. What a beautiful post. I cannot wait to take this leap and I find your words so comforting. Exactly what I wanted and needed to hear.

    xo

    Michaela

    http://michaelajeanblog.com

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  13. This is stunning! I'm sure that is totally worth it!

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  14. Beautiful, so beautiful. Made me cry, smile, chuckle, smile some more, cry a bit more and reminisce a whole lot (there's nothing, nothing, can equal the moment when you're passed your newborn). Loved how you wrote, "...pushed me to dream and explore, he encouraged me. He made me a better more pronounced version of myself" (just beautiful) and love how you note, "Let life lead you on your own wild adventure whatever that may be for you"....I'm slowly realising that I need to have the courage to trust Him a little more - for it is courage that's required to lay down the need to feel you're in control and leave the steering to someone else.... Beautiful, beautiful post....thank you. I enjoyed reading it so, so much (have read it three times today and found something different each time)....

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    1. Thank you so much- such encouraging, beautiful thoughts!

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  15. The qualities your husband possesses are so superb. That's awesome! What I wouldn't give for a love like you guys have. I keep meeting idiots. LOL You're so blessed and have a wonderful family. Cherish that blessing.
    http://www.averysweetblog.com/

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    1. Lol- this cracked me up!! Yes he's a good one- I'm very thankful for him!

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  16. This made me laugh:
    (...)I didn't and don't fawn over newborn babes, I never babysat, I wouldn't ask to hold your little bits, and if I'm completely honest- I never had that great of a rapport with kids in general. I had never changed a diaper, I didn't have a list of baby names stashed away somewhere, (...)
    because it sounds an awful lot like me ;)
    Good to read you're a happy mom now ;)

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  17. i can totally relate to your journey into motherhood and LOVE the way you have written it here. thank you for so honestly sharing your heart. ;)

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  18. Beautifully said and so true, an amazing wife and mother you are!

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  19. Thank you so much for sharing this! I have been thinking a lot lately about the shift that a new life would bring. I can't even imagine right now, but this is really beautiful and reassuring all at the same time.

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  20. This is beautiful. It's amazing how different we are as we grow up than who we were as children, teenagers, or even young adults. So glad you have found such beauty in motherhood. :)

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