When I first started having these babes, I had fears, worries. The biggest of which, was an overwhelming thought that I would come to find myself lacking. That somehow I wouldn't or couldn't be who they needed me to be.
Blessedly, it's a slow transition and while there are certainly days and even weeks that I feel I'm failing, for the most part- I found myself here. Nestled in this role as mother to littles bits, I found that indeed I was patient. I was warm, gentle and nurturing. I found total happiness in this, my greatest adventure.
But, right now- were on the cusp of something new, something different. Change is coming, it's almost here, and I find those same fears creeping back in and taking hold.
My Aussie girl, while still so obviously young- is growing up. She's transforming right before my eyes and together we are entering a new phase. One where I feel completely bereft, incredibly vulnerable and seriously lacking.
Were moving from cuts and bruises to matters of the heart and my mind races with questions- what if I can't make the transition from littles to big? What if this place, right here, is where I shined and I'm no good at the next part? I'm to closed off for this- I worry. I'm not wise enough, eloquent enough, cool enough- what If I'm just not enough? Every insecurity I carry about myself seems blown up, magnified- and yet tied to this new path.
The only truth I cling to, is that my girl, this beautiful child of mine- she is warm, she is open, generous with her forgiveness and acceptance, gracious to my attempts and efforts. She is understanding and wise and I believe that she is mine for a purpose and that together we will walk this journey, drawing support from one another. For there is no other option- time moves on. They do grow up, and I am needed here.
So here it is, a mothers heart laid bare.
Who knows, maybe I will find a new part of me- a part that will thrive and excel. A me that will walk in peace and bravery and will find that I am enough.
Who knows, maybe I will find a new part of me- a part that will thrive and excel. A me that will walk in peace and bravery and will find that I am enough.
I don't have children yet, but your lovely words still touched me! She's beautiful and very lucky to have a mother like you.
ReplyDeletelovejoanna.com
Beautifully written. I'm not a parent so I have little relevant advice to offer but from everything I've read here on your blog I don't think you have much to worry about. You have such a beautiful family. Aussie is so very lucky to have you as a mother.
ReplyDeleteIt is times such as these that God's graces carry us through these insecurities as mothers, so that we may indeed be all that He has called us to be and bless those He has so richly blessed us with. Love you and your honesty, Chels!!
ReplyDeleteYou are an incredible mom in this stage and WILL BE in future stages- the very fact you take time to think about these things speaks volumes. You're present and thoughtful about parenthood- so, so important. Your babes are lucky to have you!
ReplyDelete-Ashley
Le Stylo Rouge
Thanks! I think change can always be unsettling, regardless of your whereabouts in life.
DeleteSuch sweetness. You have a lovely way of writing and sharing your heart. Your girl is luck to have you. The teen years don't have to be turbulent. It sounds like you two have a wonderful foundation and home life.
ReplyDeleteI think parents grow with their children and you don't have to worry at all. I was quite rebellious as a teen and I am sure my mom didn't always know how to handle it. But she is only 8 ;) You still have time. Are there many children around where you live?
ReplyDeleteI think you will love this new version of her! My mom and I are the best of friends and have been since my tween years. It is going to be great!
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Michaela
http://michaelajeanblog.com
Your family always inspires me and this is so encouraging to hear. I hoping for something different from the norm.
DeleteThese are beautiful photos - she is absolutely stunning :)
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Kaley
My Closet Life Blog
Oh Chelsea....I'm in tears. I have *exactly* the same fears with my son. It seems every time he comes home from school/a friends he seems that little bit less 'boy', that little bit bigger. His behaviour's that little more challenging every day and I worry, worry, worry I'm not enough, that I won't rise to meet him and his needs. Then, as you say, I look at him and he's still a baby, still my boy, the one I love, have always loved, even before I met him. And I kind of know we'll find a way, together because, as you say, he's everything I could have imagined and more (and it's the 'more' that makes me believe we will get through it because that's 'him', him being him, having his own personality, his own reasoning, his own methods and wants and desires, all of which are coated with the things I've instilled in him.....I think one has to kind of relax in to it (I've decided), relax in to trusting them enough that they'll trust you enough to continue to share their thoughts/troubles/joys...)....as you say, 'hand in hand'.....[I was determined *not* to cry today and now you've set me off - you should have a 'likelihood of making you cry' indicator on the top of your blog posts ;)]
ReplyDeleteHa- so sorry, did not mean to make you cry! If it's any consolation, I cried to much writing this and couldn't even go back to proof read it, so the punctuation is probably terrible!
Deleteoh chelsea, this so eloquently written! my experiences in motherhood are a fraction of yours, but i can already see how our roles fluctuate and vary just as our children do through each and every stage. it's a scarey thing - the ambiguity of parenting - but we always somehow find our way. the thing i (constantly) am reminding myself is to break it down into moments. if you take things as they come, they are so much more managlable than looking at the sometimes intimidating end result. it's important to see the big picture, but it's equally important to acknowledge that there are countless little points between here and there that will make the transition less daunting. you are doing GREAT, just keep at it. xo
ReplyDeleteThank you for that sweet encouragement! I think your absolutely right, thinking about today instead of the big picture would be wise.
DeleteYou are seriously my role model of what a great mom is like! From your blog I can tell that you are a thoughtful, caring and fun mother! Your children will remember that even when they're teenagers! I remember as a teenager my mom and I would fight sometimes but at the end of the day I would always remember what a caring mother she was and she always tried her best.
ReplyDeleteI love your posts, Chelsea. You give me so much hope for the future when I start my own family. Just how you were afraid before and you realized that it all worked out in the end... so it will be this time, too :)
ReplyDeleteI would imagine that this is a feeling that most moms can relate to at some point (or many times) throughout motherhood. It is obvious that you are a mom that cares so deeply and I think that is what is going to make the difference. These are beautiful pictures... her sweet spirit shines right through them!
ReplyDeleteYou are just the best mom, you care so much about your kiddos and it shines through in all your writing. Your daughter is one lucky girl to have you!
ReplyDeleteBeautiful post Chelsea, l was nodding along as l read it. xx
ReplyDeleteSuch a sweet post. I'm not a mother, so I can't completely identify, but I can understand doubting change. And ability to deal with it. It certainly happens for all of us at different times in different ways. I on the other hand am terrified of becoming a mom. No plans for it right now. I think I would be ok with the babies and children, learning to parent, tackling the challenges there... I just don't wand to actually have the babies. That's what terrifies me. So silly, never thought it would.In your case my grandmother always tells me that she had fun parenting her children when they were young, but that she likes each one of them more every year. I think that is promising. :) I know you will weather this doubt. You seem like an amazing parent, with a partner who does the same.... you will love the adventure I think. :) XO - Alexandra
ReplyDeleteSimply Alexandra: My Favorite Things
You are going to be SUCH a great momma to the bigs as well. You seriously will. You will grow right along side them. :)
ReplyDeleteI think you really capture the unsettling feeling that comes with each part of letting go. My girls are only 8, but I can feel it in each bit of time that goes by! Slight panic, wanting to grab something you cannot grab!, and then resting in what you described - faith in them. I've been watching Gilmore girls lately ~ and it helps!!!
ReplyDeleteI'm right there with you! Trusting God to get us through these matters of the heart!!
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