Wednesday, January 21, 2015

An Intimate Heart to Heart



If you and I perchanced to be old cronies and somehow you found yourself at the farm for a brief reprieve- quick as a cat, I would whisk you inside with deep hearted promises of warm drinks and a smattering of delectable- albeit healthy treats. 

Sitting by the fire, chunky knit blankets and pillows piled high around us, fully ensconced in noise and chaos and the pattering of little feet, we'd settle in. Eleanor would bring us thousands of books, saying "pookie, pookie" which is toddler code for "read to me!" 

We would chit and chat, immediately falling into our old patterns- even though it's been ages since we've had a proper sit down. In between the interruptions and wails, we would giggle, soaring from the thrill of having a brief moment together. 

Eventually everything would quiet- and then, in that moment,  we would dig in deep to what's really going on in our lives. Sharing half hearted woes and complaints, telling tales of our days and catching each other up on mundane details. Finally, when walls were broken away and the timing was right- I would pour out my heart- telling you exactly where I am. 

I would speak of how overwhelmed I've been. That I've been feeling like I'm not doing my job as well as I could, as I should, that my mind has been elsewhere, confused and distracted. 

I would tell you that I'm at a point in my life where I am faced with a heartbreaking reality- a possibility that my days of babyhood could be passed. That this oh so wonderful chapter of going straight from being a nursing mother to being an expectant mother may be complete. I would impart to you how much I dislike it- that I'm ever so grateful, but the fact that this is a decision based on how sick I will be and not what we want as a family, bothers me. I would cry broken hearted tears that there is a chance that I will never have another delivery day. You would laugh at me and tell me I'm crazy, and I would adamantly stand by the fact that, for me, there is no other day as mesmerizing, romantic and perfectly perfect as delivery day.

I would tell you how blessed I am to have four healthy, vibrant, fascinating wilds and that I feel selfish, like I'm pushing some kind of line or boundary, to even dream or hope of another. I would tell you that I've never been happier in my whole life than I have been right now, and I don't want to upset that, yet still my heart, my arms, ache with the thought of this being finished.

And then, with tears streaming down I would tell you how this is where I shine. This is my prime. I am knee deep in smudges, and questions, in dirty diapers and schooling. I would lament that there is not a clean surface anywhere and I don't own any clothes that fit me, since I've been on a roller coster ride of sizes for the last 8 years. With big guffaws and ugly crying I would ask you how I can move on from here? How can I leave this place that has brought me more joy, more life, more exhausting bone weary beautiful days then ever before? How can I pack the crib away, give away the baby clothes and move on?

I would mourn how many mothers I've heard say "I just knew when I was finished," and I would say brokenly, "I don't think I'll ever feel that way." 

Finally, when you see you've lost, that I will not be consoled, you would say- it will be ok, there is no wrong decision, only life and it will move on whether you're ready or not. 

Then we would hug and you would make some funny comment on how now I could finally get that boob job I always wanted and we would carry on- talking about recipes and gossiping about celebrity hook ups. And while my mind would be no less eased, I would be content, full, knowing how blessed I am, recognizing the beauty of this moment and this life that I love so much.

but, oh how it hurts.




31 comments :

  1. hugs to you. sounds like a tender spot. I always knew I would have two but had I longed for more, I can imagine the longing I had for the first two and that would be deep. Your writing is all sweetness and loveliness. there will be a book in your future. i will be the first to buy it and I will want it signed :)

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  2. I understand this ache, more than you know. Hugs. xo

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  3. Chelsea, even though I'm no mom I think I understand what you're talking about. It must be amazing to bring new life into the world and be with a baby that completely depends from you. But I think you aren't doing your kids justice ;). They might be older now and develop their own personally and depend from you less and less, but it is just another beautiful chapter. They need you in a different way. And one day they'll have children themselves and you get to be a grandma :)

    http://elmundodesophie-sparkle.blogspot.com.es/

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    1. Absolutely! I know I will find so much goodness and happiness in this next chapter, but change can always be hard no matter where you are in life.

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    2. I know! and sorry if my comment sounded rude, that wasn't my intention!

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  4. I'm with you girl!! Our family is in the same boat as possibly being our last because of similar issues-- and Everytime I look at my almost two year old "baby" I can't stand the fact that baby years are almost over--- I'm not ready for this!

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    1. It's such a difficult chapter to close isn't it?!

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  5. SO beautifully written, doll. And while there may not be words that make you feel better about a closing of a chapter, just know you have so many beautiful years ahead, with new challenges for you as a mother. You are going to continue to be a solid force of love + support!

    -Ashley
    Le Stylo Rouge

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  6. This so beautifully written Chelsea. I don't have any kids yet but I imagine it must be hard to accept that sometimes we simply have to move on. Be thankful because there's so many people in this world that didn't get to have the chance you had. Your babies will always need you though.

    Rita
    http://heyrita.co.uk

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  7. Oh you. I would also love to have another baby but it's not possible for me either......so we'd sit and console each other.......and remember that we're blessed and that some things in life we just have to accept, with grace (although it's heart breaking). [Beautiful, beautiful writing, by the way]

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  8. So cute !!! Omg I can't wait for my little one!

    http://sbr-fashion-fashion.blogspot.com/

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  9. You have such a wonderful way with words. Although I don't have children yet, this post really touched my heart. Change is so difficult and time just goes by so quickly. I only know you through your blog but I know that your children are so lucky to have such a loving mother. xx

    lovejoanna.com

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  10. Aw love you are oh so brave. You have done beautifully with your babies and as your life continues in all its greatness what's meant to be will be. That's the only phrase that truly keeps me sane when any of life's worries and aches enter my brain.

    xo

    Michaela

    http://michaelajeanblog.com

    http://www.etsy.com/shop/MichaelaJeanArt

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    1. Thank you so much for that- it's so true and it does help.

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  11. My heart aches for and with you... Believe me, I've never felt my age a curse, until it was time to hang up the towel and walk away. I pray you find peace in your new reality, but take the time you need to grieve. xo

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    1. Thank you, such thoughtfulness- it really mean so much to me!

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  12. oh! this made my heart ache. from the first moment i held my son, i feared that impeding sense of loss every mother must one day go through. in a way though, our children's development helps us to prepare because they grow and our role also evolves. that said, i don't know that we can ever fully be prepared for it. it's necessary to acknowledge and mourn the loss - it's only by having something and then not can having it that you can truly appreciate the gift. remember, you will always be the mother to four beautiful and wild children. xo

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  13. This was a heartbreakingly beautiful post. So much rawness, so much realness. I admire your strength in writing about it--you never know who may need to read this & not feel alone. Transitioning from stage to stage is difficult, I always feel like there is sadness for saying goodbye to what was but hopefully there's hope & excitement for what will be. Sending hugs.

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  14. I love this. I have three of my own and I ache for another. I don't want this part of my life to be a memory! My time to take the plunge is ticking. Thanks for sharing this. It is beautifully written.

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  15. beautiful words and i am sorry for your difficult time. motherhood is strange. it's like eventually nursing our young and giving birth will end ... it will end for every mother. we cannot continue having babies our entire lives ... but when that time does come and we must say goodbye to that chapter ... it's really hard. it's the letting go, i think. i only know this because my own mother still mourns her children growing up. its almost as if she has never been able to accept it and always tells me that when your babies are little, it is in fact the greatest time of your life. xox. love to you, mama.

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    1. Thank you- you are absolutely right, it does have to end, and I know once we make a final decision and get settled into another chapter there will be much peace and grace there too.

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  16. Life goes on and there are new things to look forward to! -Hanna Lei

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  17. oh, my sweet friend. I can understand this...not in the sense that we are 'done' yet (god willing) but because of life's circumstances we have felt like we needed to wait to get pregnant again for a little while longer. I've wanted another baby for a year now but timing just hasn't been right and it feels like forever until it will be right again... but we are hoping to start trying again in a couple more months (did i just post that online...well, you captivated me with your vision of warm cozy chatter ;)) anyway, I can't relate entirely, but i know the ache that comes with wanting to have a baby and saying goodbye to the chapter of babyhood with the babies we currently have. I'm so anxious about Finley getting older, though I know there will be so much joy in the journey....it's still so difficult. I guess we haven't talked about this yet but are you guys homeschooling? Love to you, sweet friend.

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  18. I can't imagine the pain of this. I'm so sorry that you are hurting. It's certainly good of you to focus on your contentedness and happiness as a mother of your sweet four. I'm not a mother, so I can't know what you are going through. (heck I'm terrified of giving birth, even just once!) But I can say that you are so blessed. So lucky to know your heart. To know your family and your husband so fully. To have such a life where you get to be that involved of a mother. Something many hope for, but can't achieve. I have known several girls in college who would never get the chance to be moms. Women at the age of 20 told that they would have to have children in the next few years, or they never would. Women who were half way through college and big plans to see the world. No serious relationships to speak of. I can understand their heartbreak. I am sure that both are hard. I know that my grandmother always tells me that she loves each of her kids and grandkids more every year. And that she loves most watching them grow and become the people and adults that they become. She said she loves babies, but she wouldn't rather have more babies and miss the process for the rest of us. I know these things may not be consoling. But I hope that you can find a place of peace with your family in this new chapter. :) XO -Alexandra

    Simply Alexandra: My Favorite Things

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  19. Oh I just want to give you a big hug right now! I can't say I know what it feels like and I won't pretend to know the heartache you're currently experiencing as this chapter in your life potentially draws to a close. I know that you already know these things but I'm going to say them anyway. You are so very lucky and there will be plenty more chapters filled with wonderful, amazing things to come.

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  20. Chelsea,
    While I can't imagine the difficulty you're going through because I am not a mother, I do know as a woman, you are selling yourself short. I guess I'll step up and be that "tough love" friend and remind you that you are beautifully and wonderfully made. That in all of Gods infiniteness not only did he equip you to being a mother to littles, but a woman capable of accomplishing anything. The talent you display day in and day out on this blog is testament that there is more to you than tending to runny noses and kissing boo-boos. While you may feel this is your prime, this moment in you life could be just the beginning of your own kind of magnum opus.
    I know it's a sad reality to face and the process is difficult, but I encourage you to dig deep and seek out the passion for your next chapter in life. So relish the memories and mourn this passing chapter, but don't throw in the towel on your prospect and the exciting adventure that is the future.
    Now, lets gossip about how amazing Jennifer Lopez looks. Do you think she drinks unicorn blood?
    Texas Jak
    www.novermyhead.com

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  21. This post made me feel as if I was sitting right there with you. It is obvious that it came straight from the heart. I would be lying to say it didn't make me tear up. Being a mom is such a blessing, an indescribable one, and your love for your children shines through your writing. It wasn't until about six months ago that I wondered for the first time if this could really be it. If I could be done with the baby stage and all the sweet moments that come with it. You have perfectly written the feelings that I have been unable to put into words for family and friends so many times. I hope that you are given another to love, and that if it isn't meant to be you will find a perfect peace with that.

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  22. i just let out a sigh as i scrolled and read and jon looked to me and asked, "what's wrong?" i just shrugged at him because all my energy is focused on you and wishing i could be there with you now. your blog always inspires me to think forward and focus on all the things that motherhood brings, and the love you give our children is truly remarkable. i want a large family, and so i can relate to your feelings (even though i haven't had a delivery day yet!) of wanting to keep expanding the love and the memories and the bodies. unfortunately for me, however, i took a very long time and bit of intervention to get us to the first pregnancy we're experiencing right now. hope and prayers and love to you <3

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    1. Thank you- it's such an incredible phase of life and I have no doubts that you will grasp it's goodness and enjoy it!

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  23. what a lovely and vulnerable post. although i dont have kids (yet), i completely relate to the aching loss of an era ending. its so hard to say goodbye to a place that brings such joy. my heart goes out to you. though as you say: there are no wrong decisions, only life. truer words were never spoken!

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  24. Oh Chelsea, my heart aches for you. I just had this conversation with one of my best friends over the weekend and I know how much it is eating at her. She and her husband are talking about adoption, though, to add to their family (they have two already, but feel like they want a bigger family). Anyway, I know adoption isn't for everyone and I'm not trying to ignore your feelings and offer up a solution when I know so little about your situation. Just sharing my friend's story. I know this must be so painful for you. It's clear how much you love having babies around. *hugs*

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