Wednesday, August 6, 2014

to much time to think

I am laying in bed sick, with three sick little buggies laying next to me. It's not so much fun, and I feel so bad for my little bitties  They are so cute and cuddly when they don't feel good so I'm soaking up all the snuggie time I can. It also gives a gal a lot of time to ponder, maybe too much. Theres been so much going on in my head lately, battles that seem to never resolve, mommy guilt swirling about, and far too much self criticism.

A couple of years ago, If anyone had asked me if there was something I would like to do, I could have told them blogging. For so many reasons really- an outlet to be artsy and creative, an opportunity that forces you to chronicle and document, but what really drew me in, is that blogging is rife for the unknown. Anything can happen! There was something about that, the unseen possibilities that called to me. I wanted to try. 

The problem is that for the last few years, I've been hiding. Hiding deep inside my role as wife and mother. That in itself, is not a bad thing, for you see that is exactly where I want to be and what I love doing. The issue is that somewhere along the way, I lost myself a bit. Self-doubt settled in and for the last couple years I've been hiding more out of fear than out of love. If I didn't expose myself in friendships, community, artistic endeavors, then I couldn't fail. If I stayed quiet and to myself then nothing and nobody could hurt me.

Unfortunately, its simply not true. You will still have trials and hurts, you just also miss out on the joy of being connected, of being part of something. The rush of trying new things and being brave and bold enough to go for it.

With the help of a close friend and Kaleb's unrelenting support, I was forced into finally beginning. It has been a lot of tears, a lot of internal turmoil, and a lot of triumphs.Is it taking up too much time? Is it taking away from my children? Or... is it a gift for them? I'm such a dreamer. I believe all things are possible, so sometimes I struggle with reality. My expectations are so huge, sometimes I can be disappointed when it's really just life, moving at it's own pace.

I've also come across so many talented and truly beautiful people. It excites and inspires me, but it also dwarfs me. Kaleb always says "comparison breeds discontent." Its so true. It can become debilitating. My head's saying, you're not talented enough, funny enough, your photography is not up to par, and so on and so on and so on.

So where does all this lead, what's the point? Honestly, I don't know. Maybe it's simply a statement of small victories, of pushing yourself outside your comfort zone and trying something new. Maybe it's something for me to look back on and remember how I felt at a specific moment in time, or possibly its the cold meds! 

Alright, it's time for me and these sweet peas to take a nap. What about you, ever battle similar feelings? 


  1. I think everyone suffers with moments like that :) I spent soo much time judging myself and worrying about my acting skills. And in the end, I lost my love for it.

    I think, as long as you're doing something you love, you're actually giving something to your children. From you they can learn that art can be healing, that not everything they do has to be for monetary gain, and that everyone needs alone time to figure themselves out and express their creativity.

    When they're old enough, they'll feel encouraged to work on their own solitary projects and understand that you're a person, not just a Mum :)

    And best of all, they'll have a chronicle of your life and their early stories to read!!

    So keep going lovely :) you're doing great!!! xx

    Little Miss Katy | UK Lifestyle & Fashion

  2. Thank you! That's so true, and very encouraging!

  3. I think the most important thing in life is learning to love yourself, just like sang Whitney Houston . then everyone will take your example, Your children will see that it is important to accept yourself and doing what you love. You as their mama, you are for them the greatest inspiration ;) I think you're a wonderful person. great to read what you write. When the children grow up they will appreciate that you documentary your and their lives as they were small. So keep going my dear.


  4. Thank you so much, those are very kind and encouraging words. It is so important to love yourself and take time for yourself even as a mama!

  5. I am so glad you wrote about this! I get mommy guilt too. I also think I know what you mean about hiding in your roles. I went to church awhile back by myself because Kai was sick and I felt so weird about it. I think use him or Juliet or Brad to hide behind or at least they make me feel more confident. It's also like how you talked about your time spent with Kaleb in another post. It was a good reminder to me that Brad and I still need just us time! He is super busy with work right now and we can sometimes ( ok lots of times ) forget to carve out some us time! Also, I think your kids would love to look at this when they are older!!!

    1. Thanks Trisha! I know exactly how you feel. Mommyhood consumes us in a great way, as it should, but it is so easy to forget yourself and your spouse. Taking a little time for both should be something honored and special not something that makes us feel guilty!

  6. I love your blog and love this post! I saw a link to your blog through Tracy Brown on facebook and I was like "Hey, I know her!" Or at least used to. I haven't lived in AR for a long time so you may not remember me:) I just wanted to say though that I identified with this post. I'm a dreamer too and think about all of the things that I want to do, but lay low on so much of it out of fear. Your insight and courage is inspiring. Thanks for sharing!

    1. Hi, thank you so much Davie, of course I remember y'all! Thank you so much for commenting and sharing, that means so much to me. I'm sorry you've been feeling similar, it's not fun to let fear win. As children of God we know where our strength lies and it's time we rested in that!

  7. Beautiful pics and definitely something we all struggle with daily. Don't let fear hold you back, if you're enjoying it, keep making time for it as I know we all enjoy reading.