I am laying in bed sick, with three sick little buggies laying next to me. It's not so much fun, and I feel so bad for my little bitties They are so cute and cuddly when they don't feel good so I'm soaking up all the snuggie time I can. It also gives a gal a lot of time to ponder, maybe too much. Theres been so much going on in my head lately, battles that seem to never resolve, mommy guilt swirling about, and far too much self criticism.
A couple of years ago, If anyone had asked me if there was something I would like to do, I could have told them blogging. For so many reasons really- an outlet to be artsy and creative, an opportunity that forces you to chronicle and document, but what really drew me in, is that blogging is rife for the unknown. Anything can happen! There was something about that, the unseen possibilities that called to me. I wanted to try.
The problem is that for the last few years, I've been hiding. Hiding deep inside my role as wife and mother. That in itself, is not a bad thing, for you see that is exactly where I want to be and what I love doing. The issue is that somewhere along the way, I lost myself a bit. Self-doubt settled in and for the last couple years I've been hiding more out of fear than out of love. If I didn't expose myself in friendships, community, artistic endeavors, then I couldn't fail. If I stayed quiet and to myself then nothing and nobody could hurt me.
Unfortunately, its simply not true. You will still have trials and hurts, you just also miss out on the joy of being connected, of being part of something. The rush of trying new things and being brave and bold enough to go for it.
With the help of a close friend and Kaleb's unrelenting support, I was forced into finally beginning. It has been a lot of tears, a lot of internal turmoil, and a lot of triumphs.Is it taking up too much time? Is it taking away from my children? Or... is it a gift for them? I'm such a dreamer. I believe all things are possible, so sometimes I struggle with reality. My expectations are so huge, sometimes I can be disappointed when it's really just life, moving at it's own pace.
I've also come across so many talented and truly beautiful people. It excites and inspires me, but it also dwarfs me. Kaleb always says "comparison breeds discontent." Its so true. It can become debilitating. My head's saying, you're not talented enough, funny enough, your photography is not up to par, and so on and so on and so on.
So where does all this lead, what's the point? Honestly, I don't know. Maybe it's simply a statement of small victories, of pushing yourself outside your comfort zone and trying something new. Maybe it's something for me to look back on and remember how I felt at a specific moment in time, or possibly its the cold meds!
Alright, it's time for me and these sweet peas to take a nap. What about you, ever battle similar feelings?