christmas on my mind

Apologizing upfront, for this writing is a little all over the place. My mind has been a bit weary, circling and warring with itself- back and forth, so this is an honest account on where I've been on the Christmas front.

When first beginning our holiday traditions, Kaleb and I failed to put much thought into what we hoped for as a family. We simply went with the flow of what everyone else was doing and had done for years before us, mixing in bits and pieces from our childhoods and forming our own traditional christmas.

Santa, reindeer, cookies, lots of presents, extended family. .  you get the idea.

Over the past few years, we were both left feeling defeated.  Something was missing, it had to be about more- there had to be something that fit us. Traditions that combined all those lovely cozy feelings, with more meaning and simplicity.

It's interesting how often we just go with what everybody else is doing- or more, what we grew up doing. Failing to notice that it isn't necessarily what makes us happy anymore. Kaleb and I out at Target two days before Christmas spending lots of money on toys I will ultimately give away in two months time, does not make me happy. There was no joy in it, and even though I grew up believing in Santa Claus (for probably way too long) and we have done the Santa thing for the last few years. Kaleb and I never felt comfortable with it. We agonized over it and this year we just felt it wasn't for us. 

Thankfully Kaleb took the lead, learned everything he could about St. Nick, and shared with the kiddos how the man, the myth, the legend in the jolly red suit got it's beginnings. We were positive there would be tears and questions but we were pleasantly surprised to find they were just excited to learn about St. Nick and his giving spirit. We celebrated St. Nick's day this past Saturday- leaving our shoes out to be filled. The wilds spent hours Friday making small gifts for each other and sweet cards for mommy and daddy. They were so excited to be the givers! I started to see a shift, like maybe we were on to something, something that would ultimately start us on our own path with Christmas.

For me, it seems this time of year can bring up some complicated feelings and shine a light on aches I'd been trying to hide. I have been putting way too much pressure on myself to make these lasting memories, to make everything a big deal, to have the best gifts, and maybe just maybe if I do everything right, somehow this will solve everything. It will ensure that when they are grown up we will still be a family. That it will solidify us as unbreakable and a forever family. It probably doesn't make sense to you, I have a hard time even trying to explain it, but what I have found is it's not these big gestures or plans or presents- it's the small moments. It's us curled up by the fire, folding pages on christmas magazines, pointing out things we love. It's sitting next to their beds talking late into the night. It's holding hands as we feed chickens, it's believing in Kaleb and I as a couple and the kids being comfortable in us and our love. These are the moments that make impressions, that build and bind us.

In that light, were changing it up- I feel like we're trying a hundred different things and it's a little exhausting and far from simple, but I think it's important we find what works- traditions we want to begin for ourselves. We've settled upon one gift a piece, plus stockings of course (Grandparents do it up big and the kiddos love that special time!) and leaving all the rest of our time for activities together, crafts, giving, for intimate moments and special treasures. 

I like that we're seeking, that together we're finding what makes us happy as a family, that we're being a little bit selfish and preserving some parts for just the six of us. I like that I'm finally coming into my own and being brave and bold enough to buck custom and step out in my own way. What about you, any advice, traditions you think might suit us, things to try, new activities? Do you ever battle similar feelings with Christmas?

where the wild ones are

As this is my journal of sorts, I wanted to jot down some little bits about these boys of mine. Exactly 19 months apart, their divide has been bridged, their relationship and personalities have shifted, and  they have emerged the best of friends. 

It's been an incredible trip to watch unfold.

These wilds go everywhere together. They tromp all over this farm- two comrades on the search for adventure. They are the first ones dressed every morning, tapping me on the shoulder, begging to go outside.

They use their axe and machete like it's their job, and they are up and out at the crack of dawn near every morning- off to chop down more vines, small trees or fire kindling. When taking a breather from their "work", they head to the porch- pocket knives in hand to do some good ole fashioned whittling. 

I have so many whittled sicks, you wouldn't even believe it. They have placed a good majority of them on the Christmas tree as rustic decor, but what's left have been not so carefully wrapped up as gifts-for any  unsuspecting soul. I have a feeling we will be opening up a lot of sticks this year!

If indoors they seem to have to be wrestling, and each game they contrive is rougher and louder than the next. 

On top of all that wildness and inherit boyness though- is two of the funniest little spirits. Wholly full of love and so giving with their love. They are first to tell me how beautiful I look each morning, and never fail to give me smooches before they run outside or leave a room for that matter, and they will shout "I love you!" anytime, anywhere.

That's my favorite part!

Last week I was in a crowded restroom, and I hear one of them- mid-potty yell out over din, "I Love you Mamma". There was an audible ahhhhh from the other women in the room and my heart melted. In school with Aussie yesterday the boys were out with their Dad and here they come, faces pressed against the glass, blowing me kisses and telling me they love me. They will be out doing their chores and here they come, poking their little noggins in the door for a quick I love you before they head on their merry way. 

I'm not sure how long these day will last, but right now I want to soak up every moment, to remember this time in their boyhood when they were best friends, uninhibited, joyous, so curious about life and the great outdoors, always seeking new exploits and learning, always learning. 

Can I just stay here a little bit longer? It's such an extraordinary phase of life, and these wild ones are my constant reminder to stay curius, and active. They force me to be braver, to run and play and build and be free. I love being their mamma.

a dread-full day

After careful consideration, debating, mulling over and general pondering, we have taken the leap to deadlocking my man's luscious locks. 

It's been a mammoth decision. Surely you know by now how freaked out I get by hair changes, and Kaleb has exquisite hair. A perfectly shaped hairline, thick silky curls, natually ombred- I would give about anything for those tresses.

We're about 7 hours in so far and nearly half way thru. I can't quite see the end in sight just yet and my neck and shoulders will need some serious massaging after the task is completed. However, I've called in back-up, and thankfully they agreed, so at least I'll have an accomplice during tonights go round.

I'm excited to see the end result. I always thinks he looks good, but I think this will suit him. Sorry no photos yet, it's still a bit of a mess- with hot pink rubber bands throughout and all sectioned off into twisties. 

Anyway, the time has come to get back at it- 

Hair we go again. . .

p.s.- what are you up to? I need some juicy tid-bits to read as I work?

and we're off

We arrived home from a little Thanksgiving holiday, raring and ready to begin our Christmas festivities! 

Having already completed our pre-decorating (i.e. wreaths, christmas village and calendar) the final tid-bit remaining was to acquire and decorate our tree.

Now, that may sound easy to you, maybe you purchase one at a nearby grocery store, or sail, apple cider in hand around a carefully manicured lot brimming with flawlessly contoured evergreens. That is not the case here on the farm.

We don't settle for those fancy schmance douglas firs or your swanky blue spruces. Nay, for us, it's a hand cut, straight from the fields, cedar. Beautful and bushy, maybe a little smashed in places, nearly always to big, with plenty of bald spots, and if the light shines just so thru the window, you can see all the way thru it. 

Classy, I tell you:)

It was an unseasonably warm day, with temperatures predicted to plunge as dusk fell. So we piled into the ole truck and took off thru the hills, the bigger kiddos belting out their very own rendition of All I Want For Christmas is A Tree, while Eleanor added in the thumping bass beat "Glo-ry, Bob-by, Glo-ry, Bob-by." 

After a few long minutes Kaleb and I gave each other the look- it said pick a tree and pick it fast! We glanced up and there she was, in all her full glory, our tree. She was a beaut, meant just for us.

Kaleb did all the dirty work while the wee babe watched on in frenzied excitement. The big three still too wrapped up in their  shrieking tunes to even notice or hear a chainsaw raging in the background. 

We loaded it up and headed on in search of the final treasure on our quest- mistletoe. It was only 20 or 30 feet up, no big deal for a manly man like my hubby. He shimmied his way up and out, sending down shoots of the stuff like drops of hail falling from the heavens.

After a brief intermission for Kaleb and I to wrangle our prize into the house and in the stand. . . we lit her up. Much to the kids exhilaration, the time had ultimately arrived to decorate.

It's what I would call an eclectic tree, littered with the likes of spiderman dog tags, whittled sticks and t-ball medals. The wilds literally found anything that could possibly hang, no heed to sentimental gems or one of a kind trinkets.

Finally, we all took a step back and looked at her in all her glory, it was far and away our best tree yet. It screams of kids, craziness, happiness and laughter. 

Together we nuzzled up under the glow of the lights and read our first holiday book of the season, and as I read and my mind slowed a bit from the chaos that is decorating a tree with four little bits, peace washed over me. We were finally ready to begin, to start new traditions hopefully combined with old, to remember, to celebrate.